Jokes
-- Submitted by Ted G., Kansas City, Mo.:
Ted: Did anyone laugh when you fell on the ice?
Jed: No, but the ice made some cracks.
-- Submitted by Andrew P., Howell, N.J.:
Rob: Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?
Bob: Why?
Rob: He wanted to work over time.
-- Submitted by Jake W., Woodland Hills, Calif.:
A book never written: “Full of Ideas” by Drew A. Blank.
-- Submitted by Kyle K., Waimanalo, Hawaii:
A bald eagle goes into a barber shop for a haircut. “Sorry, I can’t give you a haircut,” the barber says. “Why not?” the bald eagle squawked. “You have feathers.”
-- Submitted by David G., El Cajon, Calif.:
Kerry: What does a dog do that a man steps into?
Mary: What?
Kerry: Pants.
-- Submitted by Eric L., Rocky Point, N.C.:
Ed: What do you get when you cross a cat and a lemon?
Ned: What?
Ed: A sourpuss.
-- Submitted by Brian C., Chester,Va.:
Luke: What doesn’t ask questions but always demands an answer?
Laura: What?
Luke: A doorbell.
-- Submitted by Derek T., Monticello, Ill.:
Gilligan: How do pigs talk to each other?
Skipper: How?
Gilligan: In swine language.
-- Submitted by Kenny L., Sylmar, Calif.:
Casey: What did one volcano say to the other volcano?
Lacey: What?
Casey: “I lava you.”
-- Submitted by Ethan P., Nokomis, Fla.:
Justin: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
Dustin: What?
Justin: A stick.
-- Submitted by Matthew K., Waukesha, Wis.:
Matt: What did the cloud give to the cashier?
Dat: What?
Matt: A rain check.
-- Submitted by Paul R., Fremont, Calif.:
Barry: What is the best thing to put in chocolate cake?
Larry: What?
Barry: Your teeth.
-- Submitted by Brian P., Aiea, Hawaii:
Rick: What’s the first thing a farmer plants in his garden?
Mick: What?
Rick: His foot.
-- Submitted by Corey A., Midland, Mich.:
Seth: Why did the traffic light turn red?
Beth: Why?
Seth: You would turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
-- Submitted by Brian C., Snohomish,Wash.:
Tom Swiftie: “You’re not working for my business anymore,” Tom fired.
-- Submitted by Stephen W., Marietta, Ga.:
Gill: If a gown is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
Jill: What?
Gill: Silverware.
, Phoenix, Ariz.:
Teacher: Johnny, please use the words “deduct,” “defense” and “detail” in a sentence.
Johnny: Yes ma’am. “Deduct jumped over defense, dehead before detail.”
-- Submitted by Rehan M., Houston, Tex.:
Son: I can’t go to school today. I don’t feel well.
Father: Where don’t you feel well?
Son: In school!
-- Submitted by Frank K., Palm Harbor, Fla.:
Rudy: What do you get when you cross a caterpillar with a parrot?
Judy: What?
Rudy: A walkie-talkie.
-- Submitted by John P., Malverne, N.Y.:
Ron: Where do books sleep?
John: Where?
Ron: Under their covers.
-- Submitted by Josh G., Portland, Ore.:
A book never written: “Spicy Foods” by Hal A. Penyo
-- Submitted by Nick R., Pittsburgh, Pa:
A book never written: “A Guide to Exotic Cars” by Iona Ferrari.
-- Submitted by Max H., Clearwater, Fla.:
A monastery is in financial trouble, so it goes into the fish-and-chips business to raise money. One night a customer knocks on its door. A monk answers. The customer asks, “Are you the fish friar?”
“No,” he replies. “I’m the chip monk.”
-- Submitted by Brian S., East Bridgewater, Mass.:
A book never written: “Rock and Roll” by Nick El’back.
-- Submitted by Peter O., Westlake, Ohio:
Peter: What is the banana’s favorite game show?
Elaine: What?
Peter: “Peel or No Peel.”
-- Submitted by Kyle P., Powell, Tenn.:
Kyle: What do you get when you combine bacon with a beagle?
Dad: That’s easy. A bagel.
Kyle: No. You get a happy dog.
-- Submitted by Chris C., Presque Isle, Me.:
A book never written: “I Didn’t Do It!” by Gil T. Mann.
-- Submitted by Zach W., Orleans, Ind.:
Zach: What do you get when you cross Darth Vader with an elephant?
Jack: What?
Zach: An elevator!
-- Submitted by Drew L., Troy, Ohio:
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
-- Submitted by Reilly S., Moorhead, Minn.:
A book never written: “The Future of the Human Race” by Ann Sesstor.
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